Fergie Ferg

Fergie is a dirty hoe who stole the hook to Kelis' song Bossy. But I fucking love the bitch anyway and I love London Bridge. It's better than Bossy because it's laced with Meth. Watcha.

Kiss of the Spiderwoman

At her weekend wedding, Marcia Cross used her veil spider web to trap her little mosquita flower girls. She later ate them at the reception with some creme fresh. mmmm!

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Move Along Guppy

So Star decided to get ghetto on Babawawah's ass on Tuesday and announce her departure from The View earlier than expected. She got up on her pulpit, praised Jesus, held hands with babawawah, J-Oy!, and whatshernameagain. She told us that Star don't know what the futcha holds, but she knows who holds the futcha.

Lemme tell you something, Big Gay Al holds her future by the balls and she better find her ass another job and quick because all that meth, porn, and that house on Fire Island are gonna get hell of expensive now that that View check ain't rollin' in and Mama Estrella ain't making the dough that she used to. I know she's saving money on fabric and donuts, but she's got to be spending more money on girdles and her plastic surgery bills. Dios te bendiga, Star. Well, not really you nasty bitch.

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Petal Harder Bitches.

Dear Cyclists,

Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking that your little piece of metal on two wheels is a car. Fuck you for hogging up an entire lane of traffic while all of us in AUTOmobiles sit behind your sorry ass watching you petal as we try and maneuver around you. Fuck you for making me late this morning.

Let me tell you something. If you hadn’t noticed, we live in the most car centric city in the world, Los Angeles. In the city of Los Angeles people drive to get places. That is because they have places to be. So when you decide that it’s a great idea to put on your little lycra tights and go for a “ride” on a Monday at 9am – move your ass to France bitch because I don’t have time for your shit. I’m going to make your fucking little helmet wearing pansy ass suffer. I’m going to cut you off. I’m going to get really close to you in my car. I’m going to come up right behind you and honk. I’m going to scare the shit out of you because you fucking deserve it for making my commute harder than it has to be.

(As for my gelat brethren who ride bikes, I ain’t hating on you for riding out of necessity, but I will just mention that there is this thing called the bus which has air conditioning, gets you there in half the time, and seems very comfortable and affordable. I’m just throwing that out there.)

So, all you cycling enthusiasts can suck it. You aren’t Lance Armstrong. Your little yellow bracelet doesn’t give you super powers. You’re on a fucking bike, remember that the next time you contemplate a “ride” on a weekday morning, because I’ll be aiming. For you.


Thanks,

A.ro

Click Click

I'm sorry but this man is just hot. I don't know why I think that, because he looks a little like a chango. But maybe I'm into monkeys and I don't even know it. I heart you Nick Lachey and I'm glad you divorced that pendeja Jessica. Let her sit on her daddy's lap for the rest of her life. I'll sit on yours.

MexPheever

Katharine Mcphee loves the people and we love you! Latinos officially have the McPheever. (Seriously, you see how sweaty these little mocosos look? I know, I'm just jealous.)

photographed at the JC Penney Jam for Kids
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Days of Thunder

$cientology has officially made it's play for world domination. In an attempt to infiltrate the heartland, L. Ron's peeps have joined the NASCAR family. I wonder what Jesus' e-meter reading is after a few beers.

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Nuh Uh

Marc Anthony denies the Ying Yang Twins a little taste of Lola. Then Pocahontas wraps herself in a small pox infected J.Lo love blanket. Watche.

I Love U So Much, I Want to Hurt U.

Marc Anthony took out this full page ad in Variety today to honor his bride, Jennifer Lopez, on her Crystal Award for sparing the American public from another tragic turn at romantic comedy in the year 2006. Yeah Marc. We get it. We know. She's allllll yours. No one elses. We know that you strangle "Lola" (wtf?) a little each night just to test her and remind her that she can never ever leave you. Because if she tries, you just might have to kill her and she will totally, totally deserve it.

Never leave you. Ever. Ever.

Ever.

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Resuscitating Mi ALMA

So yesterday the ALMA awards returned to television after a long absence. Didn't notice they were gone? Yeah, me neither. Eva Longoria used her leverage as ABC's resident saucy Latina to single handedly get the show back on the air and served as its producer and host. ABC generously gave her a budget of $5 ($4.50 of which she spent on her wardrobe) and let her have a go at it.

All in all, it was a pretty dull endeavor. They couldn't even fill the balcony seats at the Shrine so they only shot at weird downward facing angles. White people like Jessica Simpson, Big and Rich, and Felicity Huffman came to show their support. Black people like The Ying Yang Twins and Brian McKnight also came to show the love and pimp their Spanish language singles. The Asians hate us I guess, cause they weren't there.

There were plenty of awkward moments (most of which involved the woman formerly known as Selena), like watching Eva Longoria have to do the whole show while J.Lo stared daggers into her boobs willing them to deflate. The Ying Yang twins tried to get J.Lo to come on stage and dance with them, but she clung on to the sapo for dear life.
The Sapo got a lifetime achievement award for being ugly and he cried when some randoms butchered his songs. Andy Garcia got an award for being Cuban. Alexis Bledel and America Ferrera were denied because they shared traveling pants with white girls. Paulina Rubio was a hoe. Carlos "Ned the joke thief" Mencia continued to pretend that he is Mexican even though it's a big mentira! George Lopez refrained from kicking his ass. The NCLR lady wore a really unfortunate outfit. Gloria and Emilio Estefan reminded us all who's in charge. (I fucking hate them both)

A good time was had by all. Here's hoping next year has some more drama and a bigger budget so I don't have to Tivo through that shit in 30 minutes and hate myself for not showing the love.

Muscles...if you're nasty

Daymn. What kind of pills is Miss Janet taking that makes you thin AND gives you muscles? I NEED TO KNOW. Because I've been taking some herbal african crap that Nicole Ritchie recommended and it ain't doing shit. I wanna be ripped!

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Cage Match: McPheever vs. Soul Patrol

Tonight is the big sing-off on the Idol and I will be watching with baited breath. I can hardly contain myself. The overwhelming in support of Taylor Hicks in the media and the pimping being done by the judges is pissing me off. But if American soccer moms in bad jeans want to vote for him, then so be it. They also elected the idiot we call President.

I have my little cell phone all charged up to vote for Katharine McPhee cause she's cool like that and not a weirdo and I can actually look at her when she's singing. Here's hoping she pulls through tonight 'cause God knows I'd buy her CD before I would ever buy Taylor Hicks'. Go Kat!

I made the mistake of going on the idol message boards because this stupid show has taken my geekdom to new heights. The one really amazing thing I discovered is that this really isn't a talent contest to some people, it's a character contest. It's about who has the best story, who seems like the better person - in essence, who deserves your vote and who deserves to win the big prize. It's not about who has the best voice, it's about the American Idol and what they represent. People discuss how charming and generous Taylor seems when he hugs other contestants. How wrong Katharine was to smile when she discovered she was in the top 2. Fans even go to the extent of analyzing family members of the contestants and assessing how genuine they are or aren't. Very strange, indeed. Because to me (one jaded by the industry), it's all about who would sell more albums, who's more commercial, who has the whole package. Advantage, McPhee. But if the voting trends are any indication, to the rest of America, it's about the unlikely underdog who does tricks when you give him a bone. Advantage, Hicks. But when Simon Cowell shopped this show some 5 years ago, he sold it as "part soap opera, part talent competition". If that is indeed the case, you, Mr. Cowell, are a genius.

And on a final note, I would like to express my thanks to Fox for making this all be over in two days. I want my life back.

And for a little levity...check out THIS hilarious spoof on Tvgasm.com (via ONTD). Made my day.

Que Horor!

You know how when you were little your mom would wrap you up in, like, ten layers of clothing and put vicks on the bottom of your feet before she put your socks on and you were like "Moooommm, it's the summer time! I'm hot!" and she would reply "Hot, que nada. I don't need you catching pneumonia or a sun burn! Cover yourself!" and you would sweat and sweat and sweat, almost passing out from a heat stroke, but not say anything because then you would get the chancla? Yeah, that doesn't happen to white people. Look at La Britney. I think Sean P. is dead in the back of the car. He's all uncovered, getting a sunburn, and whiplash. My mother would NOT approve.

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Sore Loser

Why has American Idol's Chris been all menso this week making caca faces to the press saying he's to "bad for the idol". Yeah, you were bad. And boring and that is why your ass got voted off. Deal with it buddy. I liked him before he went and threw himself a big fucking pity party. Let's just remind ourselves what happened to Scott Stipe when he started to believe the hype more that he believed in Jesus.

Check out this hilarious link.

American Wha?!

OMGOMGOMG. That was some bad ass tv. I ain't gonna lie. I was shocked that Chris got the boot. Look at Kat...she was shocked too.

In my heart, I wanted a Chris/Kat final, but I think Taylor and his tourettes dancing Soul Patrol have this thing locked. It's sad really. He has zero commercial appeal and little Elliot warbles like a hobbit in heat.

Five weeks ago, I don't think I would have said this, but I feel bad for Kat now. If I were in her shoes, I would want to crawl under a rock until all the anger and outrage echoing across America subsides. The nerves have been getting to her the past few weeks and she can't hide it. That would be me. I would walk off that stage and tell them I was quitting because I couldn't take the pressure or the idea of going back on that stage when people just booed and moaned at me.

But, according to my mother, I can't sing for shit. Kat can. So hopefully she'll pull it out next week despite the Idol Machine and wow us with something good. I might actually have for the first time since I voted for Kelly Clarkson in season 1. Go, Kat, Go.

Damn you American Idol for making me give a shit.

And Paula, lay off the drugs. Seriously. It's getting out of hand, you fucking freak.
"Hold me Chris, the room is spinning. It's spinnnnningggggg!"

Tweet, Tweet

I was Tweety Bird on Halloween '82. I lost the Madison Elementary costume competition to a kid in a giant paper bag monster outfit. I was pissed. I cried. He bought that shit at the grocery store. Mine was hand made by my mama, mofo. But now I understand what the judges knew that I didn't. I would never, in all of my glory, come as close to looking like the honorable Mr. Bird than Nicole Ritchie. It's so effortless, so perfect. I wonder if she's lined her house with newspaper. If someone had told me that I could have won by getting on an all diet coke diet with the sidekick II exercise regimen, I would have started that shit in Kindergarten with Tab and my fucking Speak 'N Spell.
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McJustice

McGosling loves immigrants! Further proof that they are the most fantastic couple EVER. IN. THE. WHOLE. ENTIRE. WORLD. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling took to the streets during the "Un Dia Sin Imigrantes/Day Without Immigrants" March in Los Angeles.

This is when I hate my stupid ass for not sticking it to the man and going to work. I fucking love you, McGosling, for loving the people. Adelante!

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MI:V

Tom: So this is what a vagina looks like?

Kanye: That's what I hear.

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He's not only a Scientologist, he's also black.

Keeping It Real for Whitey

Yesterday at our commissary at work, there was a sign at the sandwich station reading "Due to yesterday's march, we have no ciabatta bread today. We apologize for the inconvenience." I can live without ciabatta bread for a day. In fact, if the march affects even the ciabatta bread, imagine all the MUCH more significant things that would be halted if this country didn't have an immigrant population that kept our capitalist regime running full force. Dude, but at the commisarry, the white people were piiiiiissssed. Good, let them think about it a little while they eat rye or wheat. Hit 'em where it hurts, y Poquito Mas.