Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Cage Match: McPheever vs. Soul Patrol

Tonight is the big sing-off on the Idol and I will be watching with baited breath. I can hardly contain myself. The overwhelming in support of Taylor Hicks in the media and the pimping being done by the judges is pissing me off. But if American soccer moms in bad jeans want to vote for him, then so be it. They also elected the idiot we call President.

I have my little cell phone all charged up to vote for Katharine McPhee cause she's cool like that and not a weirdo and I can actually look at her when she's singing. Here's hoping she pulls through tonight 'cause God knows I'd buy her CD before I would ever buy Taylor Hicks'. Go Kat!

I made the mistake of going on the idol message boards because this stupid show has taken my geekdom to new heights. The one really amazing thing I discovered is that this really isn't a talent contest to some people, it's a character contest. It's about who has the best story, who seems like the better person - in essence, who deserves your vote and who deserves to win the big prize. It's not about who has the best voice, it's about the American Idol and what they represent. People discuss how charming and generous Taylor seems when he hugs other contestants. How wrong Katharine was to smile when she discovered she was in the top 2. Fans even go to the extent of analyzing family members of the contestants and assessing how genuine they are or aren't. Very strange, indeed. Because to me (one jaded by the industry), it's all about who would sell more albums, who's more commercial, who has the whole package. Advantage, McPhee. But if the voting trends are any indication, to the rest of America, it's about the unlikely underdog who does tricks when you give him a bone. Advantage, Hicks. But when Simon Cowell shopped this show some 5 years ago, he sold it as "part soap opera, part talent competition". If that is indeed the case, you, Mr. Cowell, are a genius.

And on a final note, I would like to express my thanks to Fox for making this all be over in two days. I want my life back.

And for a little levity...check out THIS hilarious spoof on Tvgasm.com (via ONTD). Made my day.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Que Horor!

You know how when you were little your mom would wrap you up in, like, ten layers of clothing and put vicks on the bottom of your feet before she put your socks on and you were like "Moooommm, it's the summer time! I'm hot!" and she would reply "Hot, que nada. I don't need you catching pneumonia or a sun burn! Cover yourself!" and you would sweat and sweat and sweat, almost passing out from a heat stroke, but not say anything because then you would get the chancla? Yeah, that doesn't happen to white people. Look at La Britney. I think Sean P. is dead in the back of the car. He's all uncovered, getting a sunburn, and whiplash. My mother would NOT approve.

Sore Loser

Why has American Idol's Chris been all menso this week making caca faces to the press saying he's to "bad for the idol". Yeah, you were bad. And boring and that is why your ass got voted off. Deal with it buddy. I liked him before he went and threw himself a big fucking pity party. Let's just remind ourselves what happened to Scott Stipe when he started to believe the hype more that he believed in Jesus.

Check out this hilarious link.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

American Wha?!

OMGOMGOMG. That was some bad ass tv. I ain't gonna lie. I was shocked that Chris got the boot. Look at Kat...she was shocked too.

In my heart, I wanted a Chris/Kat final, but I think Taylor and his tourettes dancing Soul Patrol have this thing locked. It's sad really. He has zero commercial appeal and little Elliot warbles like a hobbit in heat.

Five weeks ago, I don't think I would have said this, but I feel bad for Kat now. If I were in her shoes, I would want to crawl under a rock until all the anger and outrage echoing across America subsides. The nerves have been getting to her the past few weeks and she can't hide it. That would be me. I would walk off that stage and tell them I was quitting because I couldn't take the pressure or the idea of going back on that stage when people just booed and moaned at me.

But, according to my mother, I can't sing for shit. Kat can. So hopefully she'll pull it out next week despite the Idol Machine and wow us with something good. I might actually have for the first time since I voted for Kelly Clarkson in season 1. Go, Kat, Go.

Damn you American Idol for making me give a shit.

And Paula, lay off the drugs. Seriously. It's getting out of hand, you fucking freak.
"Hold me Chris, the room is spinning. It's spinnnnningggggg!"

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tweet, Tweet

I was Tweety Bird on Halloween '82. I lost the Madison Elementary costume competition to a kid in a giant paper bag monster outfit. I was pissed. I cried. He bought that shit at the grocery store. Mine was hand made by my mama, mofo. But now I understand what the judges knew that I didn't. I would never, in all of my glory, come as close to looking like the honorable Mr. Bird than Nicole Ritchie. It's so effortless, so perfect. I wonder if she's lined her house with newspaper. If someone had told me that I could have won by getting on an all diet coke diet with the sidekick II exercise regimen, I would have started that shit in Kindergarten with Tab and my fucking Speak 'N Spell.

Friday, May 05, 2006


McGosling loves immigrants! Further proof that they are the most fantastic couple EVER. IN. THE. WHOLE. ENTIRE. WORLD. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling took to the streets during the "Un Dia Sin Imigrantes/Day Without Immigrants" March in Los Angeles.

This is when I hate my stupid ass for not sticking it to the man and going to work. I fucking love you, McGosling, for loving the people. Adelante!



Tom: So this is what a vagina looks like?

Kanye: That's what I hear.


Thursday, May 04, 2006

He's not only a Scientologist, he's also black.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Keeping It Real for Whitey

Yesterday at our commissary at work, there was a sign at the sandwich station reading "Due to yesterday's march, we have no ciabatta bread today. We apologize for the inconvenience." I can live without ciabatta bread for a day. In fact, if the march affects even the ciabatta bread, imagine all the MUCH more significant things that would be halted if this country didn't have an immigrant population that kept our capitalist regime running full force. Dude, but at the commisarry, the white people were piiiiiissssed. Good, let them think about it a little while they eat rye or wheat. Hit 'em where it hurts, y Poquito Mas.

Just Aiiiight For Me

I don't know what has come over me, but I'm obsessed with American Idol like a freaking twelve year old girl. It's not like it's even a good season. It's Season 5 for Christ's sake. You'd think I would have moved on to some other reality basura like Top Chef. But no, I'm still watching the idol. You watch the show through all the crap competitors to get to the final 5 when people are actually good and, along the way, the producers have some how manipulated you into actually caring who wins!

My money is on Katharine McPhee. That's right, I think I have a fucking low grade McPhever. It's like the Avian Flu. I didn't want it, I just got it. I honestly think that Katharine is really affected and suffers from that child star with a pushy stage mother thing. I don't know what it is, but she sets off my Bitchdar. Maybe I hate her because she's pretty and skinny. But, I guess I can say that she's the most interesting to watch and I can hardly wait to see if she sticks her foot in it again. It's like she's my abusive boyfriend or something. Honestly, once she sang the Aretha Franklin classic "Till You Come Back To Me"- it was over. I was hooked on the McPipe. So Kat, you'd better pull through because I actually picked up my phone and voted for you last night, even though you embarrassed me by writhing on the ground while singing your song. "So A, you're phone was busy last night when I tried to call you. What were you doing?" "Oh, I was taking a survey, yeah, a survey and donating money to the Red Cross."

On happy note...the Gods shined down on us today. My favorite idol, the original Kelly Clarkson, dyed her hair back to a color found in nature! I heart you Kelly! Thank you, thank you, thank you for not making us suffer through your washed out blonde rocker look anymore. Since U Been Gonnnnnnneeeee!