Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Is Britney....

...gonna be the next Anna Nicole? Um, I think she is well on her way. They need to do one of those intervention things on her or some-thing cause, they are gonna take her kids yo! Maybe she needs to go to the Christian rehab like my primos. That shit works, cause then you get addicted to the Lord instead of the smack. My primos are hella high on the Lord and like to say long prayers. I don't think Brit's family would mind long prayers instead of long humiliating interviews on national television. Whatever it takes is all I'm saying. Send her to Juvie, give her a beat down - R-E-G-U-L-A-T-E. Is her mama blind or something? 'Cause if I did anything that humiliating to my family, um, that would mark the end of my days on this earth. I'm just sayin', meal ticket or not, that girl needs someone to smack some sense into her bad weave.

BTW, love the tie necklace Brit. It's so classy. Did you get it at Claire's?

And did you wonder what happened to pobrecita Felicia, her trusty assistant with the unfortunate ears? Even Felicia was like "Fuck this crazy bitch, I ain't talking to Child Protective Services no mo'. I'm going back to the south y'all!" Here's what she wrote to the dude who used to run Britney's now defunked fansite, worldofbritney.com.

Once again–I commend you for your Honesty and Integrity. I have been reading your new website daily and am grateful to have that to go to, to check on the antics of Britney. Britney doesn’t have a Publicist for me to clear this thru first, so it will come directly from my heart to you!

I am writing in response to “Where is Felicia?” on your editorial.I am home–in Mississippi…….I am now a trained Corporate Flight Attendant and fly with a tiny jet company out of Georgia. I am also a substitute Preschool Teacher at the Church Preschool in my town. I LOVED being with Britney for the past 9 1/2 years. I enjoyed being a part of HER dream, but now, am living my own dream.

I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding…….

I want you to know Ruben that WE (as in her Family and nearest and dearest—ALL of whom are NOT on the payroll anymore!!) are doing EVERYTHING in our power to get help for Britney and all in our power to NOT pad the bottom or move the bottom, so when she does indeed hit rock bottom, she’ll stand up and walk away from this whole fiasco a new, confident, changed, career driven Britney like we all knew and loved.

There’s just so much you can do to help a person—I don’t dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself. All I can do is be a friend, someone that loved her for MANY years unconditionally, and PRAY. That, I have decided is the most and best I can do for my friend. I cannot save her from herself, nor can I commit her to any type of treatment program against her wishes and will. I am throwing my hands up and realizing that I am helpless over another—ANYONE!

It’s been a hard reality for me to face. I have lived my best example daily, and that is ALL I’m capable of. To see what’s transpiring now, makes me feel a failure, defeated. I LOVED and BELIEVED in what I was a part of for the past 10 years and was so incredibly proud of Britney and all she’d become.

All that to say this Ruben–I’m so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch. I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!

Thank you for ALL you’ve done–ALL the love and support over the years. ALL the non-judgement and ALL the Honesty!

PLEASE let me know if there’s ANYTHING I can do to repay your kindness. With as much sincerity as I can Muster,


Sunday, February 04, 2007

I got your ice blended right here. You like that?

Children in Los Angeles are like accessories. Hot new Marc Jacobs purse, check. Iced Grande Latte, check. Child in a ridiculously adult outfit, check.

Per capita, Los Angeles has less children than your average American city, and for that reason some of us become desensitized to the little buggers. So when they invade your personal/public space, it’s like a dog whistle or a sudden outbreak of hives driving you to distraction.

Today, I happily sat in the local coffee shop working when some white people showed up with their cute little boy. He was wearing shorts and rain boots. I smiled. Then he sat right next to me, then he started to talk, then he didn’t shut the fuck up, then he started to jump on the chair next to me, then he spilled his vanilla ice blended all over the fucking leather club chair all while his oblivious mother stood there waiting for her Americano. Are you kidding me lady? Really? You aren’t going to regulate on this shit? And do you think it’s a good idea to give you hyperactive ADD child more coffee?! Cause let me tell you something, that kid needs a cachetada more than he needs a treat for the way he is behaving. You need to spank him and if you don’t, I’ll do it for you. Really, I’m happy to help out so that me and the other twenty people in the coffee shop don’t have to hear his high pitched screams and tantrums. And after I slap him, I’ll slap you. Pendeja.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Cage Match: Mariah vs. J.Lo

Bitch don't mess around. I NEED to see this girlfight. NOW. Oh, my little black heart would swell with such joy.