Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Every morning when I'm getting ready for work, deep in to the middle of my hair styling process, I inevitably have to pause to change the channel on my TV because I hear IT. The amazon sounding, high pitched wail of that fucking bitch from Wicked.

The voice over tells us that great tickets are FINALLY available, for the #1 musical in Los Angeles history, an extended run, don't miss the magic, see what happened before Dorthy dropped her ass into Oz. WICKED! THE MUSICAL! Then I hear it. I can't find the remote! Fuck fuck fuck! Hurry, I can't hear it! Nononononono. Make it stop. Must change channel. Pronto! "Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh-ahhhhhhh!" Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. Worst than knowing that Regis & Kelly are coming on in 2 minutes and I'm fucking late to work again, it's the shrill howl of Elphaba. That green bitch from Wicked.

You know what Ephebia, I know shit sucks because you are green. I know that your roommate Galenda is "Pop-Ular" and you are pissed because she is a selfish LA hoe, who in another incarnation was probably in the slutty sorority at USC. There are muchkins running all over the place. I know your paralyzed little sister gets more game than you and your only friends are flying monkeys. All of these things are super frustrating. But you know what? I am fucking sick and tired of hearing your sorry ass howl every morning when I get ready for work, on my morning drive, on my IM advertisements. Get the fuck over it. No one cares. Go wail in Schenectay you dumb bitch. I'm over you.

Monday, January 21, 2008

27 Dentists

Dear Katherine Heigl,

Congratulations on the big movie career, really. Props to you. I watched your movie yesterday. It was fun. Thanks for that. Just one question. CAN YOU PLEASE FIX YOUR FUCKING TEETH?! I mean that snaggle tooth. I was scared that if they had shown that movie in IMAX, the tooth was going to come out and stab me in the eye. I like both my eyes, they help me see. I don't want to have to wear a patch, even if it had Swarovski crystals on it in the shape of a skull.

When you are on Gray's, the snaggle tooth and the two middle teeth leaning inward don't bother me so much. I have a 19 inch TV circa 1992. But when I see your snaggle tooth and the two middle teeth leaning inward on the big screen, I get scared. And correct me if I'm wrong, but 27 Dresses is a romcom not a horror movie. I b scrrred o u teef.

This movie might propel you into feature film stardom. But when all I can see are your and James Marsden's teeth fighting for screen time, well it's a little distracting. He's getting a letter too. Kiki Dunst didn't respond to my pie charts and powerpoint presentation I sent to her publicist. I just hope that you will read this and take heed.

Your snaggle tooth and the two middle teeth leaning inward are your friends. I know they have been with you for a while, but you got lots of money now, yo. Sometimes you got to let shit go. Hillary Duff said good-bye to her baby teefs and hello and subsiquent quick bu-bye to her horsey teefs, Miley Cyrus said bye bye gummy smile. They are tween babies, you are a womanz. Go see Dr. Dorfman. Por favor!


Friday, January 04, 2008

Resolve: Postivity in ‘08

I silently resolved to be more positive in ’08. If you know me, you know that is like me willing myself to grow a third eye in the middle of my heed. That is why I made a SILENT resolution.

Experiment Positivity ‘08 lasted 3 days, 7 hours and 10 minutes.

Oh, I made it through the 23 minute prayer at Christmas. Stay positive, it’s the holidays.
I made it through the trip to the new Walmart and all of it’s Chinese made evils.
I made it through the asshole who almost drove my brother off the road on the way home because he had a death wish and I almost ran him off the road in retaliation.
I made it through the flight to New York next to the Gelats from Southgate who decided it would be a great idea to talk and eat pumpkin seeds through the duration of the red eye to New York because they were “Going to see the ball drop in Times Square for New Years and try to get on TV with Ryan Seacrest.”
I made it through the 2 for 1 sale at Shoemania and actually purchased a pair of shoes.
I made it back on the flight from NY without getting SARS from the crazy woman sitting next to me who never covered her mouth when she coughed.
I even made it back to work in a pretty damn fucking good mood yesterday and stayed positive until I had to come back today and wonder why I didn’t save myself the misery of it all and stay home watching the “My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding” marathon on TV.

Postitivity ‘08 is over because I’m currently wasting my fucking life away at work listening to idiots talk about the Iowa Caucus and wanting to shoot myself. I want to shoot myself because people who are dumber than me are circling my orbit espousing about politics, while people smarter than me were wise enough to realize they would be assholes if they came to work and sat here playing Scrabulous on Facebook for 6 hours and kicking themselves for not bringing an ipod to drown out the din of ignorance that permeates my workspace like white noise. Why can’t we stop pretending that you people are informed and talk about Britney? Why can’t we talk about Project Runway? Why can’t I leave and go see the 5pm screening of National Treasure?!?!

I want to go home. That’s the only thing I am fucking positive about today.