We Get It...Now Comb Your Hair

Michelle Rodriguez is bad. We know that. We get it Michelle. You’re a bad girl on and off the screen. You box, you surf, you race cars, you are on S.W.A.T. teams, and now you’re all agro on the deserted island of Lost. When I saw you on the island, I knew that something was up. You clenched your little horsy teeth and I knew you weren’t unhappy because you were eating mangos and needed a bath. It’s because you were up to no good. I still don’t trust you Michelle. You little Rambina, you. You’re a bad ass mofo who likes to kill innocent blonde white girls who’ve had a tough life. Now you’re going to try and move in on the Kate-Jack-Sawyer love triangle on the show. I ain’t having it. Why don’t you get with Claire or Sun. You know you like chicks. We all know you do. Stop lying to yourself. The island is all about starting over. Embrace the pooty. If you did, I bet you wouldn’t be so damn angry all the time. All suspicious and shit.

And while you’re at it, can’t you find some fucking coconut oil or something to put in your hair? You’re doing gelats a disservice by allowing the world to see your fly-aways. If it were me, I would have had that written into my contract. Why do you think Evangeline Lilly never looks busted? Because she regulated. You need to stop being all conspiracy theorist and start taking care of what’s important. Your looks. Pretty people don’t die on la isla bonita, only the ugly dispensable people do. I’m just sayin’.

Gwen Stefani: Chola Couture

Whud up peoples? Me, nada. Anyways so yeah, you seen that new video for “Luxurious” by my homegirl la Gwena? She’s all ruca’ed out and shit. Damn peoples, her eyebrows were all perfect and shit. She even had a tear drop on her eye like she was going to fill it in when her viejo Gavin was out on tour and left her all alonez. Chale, if my man did that to me I would be like “Fuck that, viejo. I know there’s all these hoodrats and scrapas out there trying to get wit-choo.” Nah, I ain’t having that. Those little putas better watch their backs cuz La Gwena would throw down, no joke. She has a big ole posse up in that video. The little japonesas are all up with do rags and shit in their little straight hair. Bien Harajuku. La Gwena even shows some respeto to Frida Kahlo in this one part with the dress and hair y todo. It’s perdy bad. She has this one shirts that has La Virgen on it that’s perdy cool pero, you have to be careful with that because your moms might not like you to be getting all sexy with La Virgen on your chess you knowz? Yeah so anyways, La Madonna better watch her back too with her little 80’s videos, because La Gwena is straight up Anaheims. Anaheims is hard core, don’t let El Mickey or La Minnie fool you foolio. Stoooopid. Homegirl La Gwena has shown her true placa on this one. Props to you Gwena. You’re my homegirl por vida. Punto.