Friday, August 25, 2006
Remember those bitchin' how-to videos they did on Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street? They are burned into my brain forever. Much more so then my multiplication tables. 8x7? Ummmmm. Ow, my head hurts. Those videos along with my Child Craft Encyclopedias inspired me to create wonderful original creations like box forts, puppet shows, and the worlds' first cell phone system out of two tin cans and a string. Simpler days when we were too poor for Atari, so we created our own fun. Once I buried my report card in the neighbors' yard for fun. When my mom saw what I did and spanked me with a chancla in front of them that wasn't so fun. Then I had to keep the same dirty report card the whole year and it was really embarrassing. Ay.
Anyway, take a look and remember how crayons were made back in the day by white people. Can you believe they used to work in factories? Pretty damn mind blowing if you ask me. Maybe it will inspire you to make your mom an ashtray out of bottle caps.
Poor Pluto has lost it's status on the planetary scene. It will now be forced to go hang out at El Torito and sip happy hour margaritas instead of going to celebrity karaoke at Guy's. Word is that Neptune was responsible for the "fire crotch" inspired incident when it told the rest of the Milky Way that Pluto was just an icy frozen little planet whose orbit was only determined by Neptune’s, and also that Pluto sucked in bed. Saturn took it further with those fucked up rings and spread it all over town like a bad case of Chlamydia. The Earth tried to be all innocent and through it's publicist stated that it wasn't responsible for the tardo people that lived on its surface like a destructive virus.
Lance Bass was the most pissed because that's where he wanted to go on his little space vacation with Richen. Boo!
Monday, August 14, 2006
You turn into this woman, who is apparently the most delusional person on the planet. If this bitch is gonna give ME dating tips, there is seriously something wrong with my fucking life and I would like to end it now and start over. I just don't get it. My friend Mayra always someone should always bring something to the table. You should either be cute, smart, funny or some combination there of. But this woman is none of those things. And what's worst is she thinks she is fucking great. I just don't understand it. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Maybe it's the only way she and her cats can make it through another day. Either way....
That's one too many Comicon's for you honey. Even Will Wheaton feels sorry for your sad Star Trek ass. You stupid, arrogant, delusional hoe.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
What are you feeding him? Freaking Fosters Freeze hamburgers and fried twinkies? You're kid is out of control. Pobrecito. He's going to be too big to fit into the car seat that you don't use pretty soon. Re.Gu.Late. Put him on weight watchers, Trimspa, something! Get him an ab lounge, I don't care. But for the love of God, save SPF!
Friday, August 04, 2006
What. The. Fuck? I just wanted to ask you that. I want to ask you many questions like - What the fuck made you think pregnant had to be the new ugly? What the fuck made you think that blue taffeta muumuu’s that accentuated your impregnated belly was a good idea? What the fuck made you think that cutting a hem at that angle was flattering? What the fuck are you doing on Wednesday instead of watching Project Runway and getting tips from Heidi Klum (a very hot pregnant lady)? What the fuck kind of weed did you smoke with your man when you laughed your head off thinking that dress was funny then forgot the whole event and proceeded to wear that travesty in public? What the fuck made you buy those shoes from DSW just because they were $29.99? What the fuck has stopped you from visiting Ashlee Simpson's delightful plastic surgeon Dr. Raj to have him look at that Miss Piggy nose of yours?
Oh god. Why the fuck do I even try?
Britney Spears is a dirty piece of white trash and I think it's only appropriate that she married someone from Fresno. She deserves and Oscar for how long she hid her true colores from us. Here she is high as a kite and stupid as, well, she always is. My mom said she will keep her eye out for her at the central valley WalMarts where she will no doubt be buying something from the Kathy Ireland collection to wear to the Teen Choice Awards were El Kevin will be showing us his Papozaoo. Until then, let us all pause and contemplate the greater questions Britney shares with us all. Time travel and Back to the Future - can it really happen?