Friday, August 26, 2005

Operation Benetton

Word on the street is that little orphan Zahara isn't really that! The Sun says that she has a mommy in Addis Ababa (one of the coolest cities on the Amazing Race). So did Angelina abduct poor little Zahara so that she could make her part of her Benetton Live Doll Collection? Cause that would be fuuuucked up. Is she going to be hanging out with La Lohan and Rumor Willis soon? Cause, I do think she would look good in mukluks. Maddox is probably loving every minute of this. Zahara looks utterly confused and miserable. Pobrecita. Watch out Zahara because you might be over soon. Looking like Russian is the new Ethiopian is the new Cambodian.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Round 1: Longoria

Fire up the Gelat-O-Meter. What's this? Eva Longoria applying baby oil to her pompies, that's what it is. On the scale of all things old school gelat, Eva has taken the lead. Watch out Mendes because Longoria is taking the lead Bi-atch! Remember when your abuelita would get all mad at you for getting prietita during the summer? But you would slather yourself with Baby Oil and lay out in the santo sol in your front yard all damn day long, with minor breaks under the hose to cool off. Those were the days. You go, Eva. We ain't mad 'achta.

Battle of the Eva's

It feels like this year was the year of the Latina. While, J.Lo was busy getting married to the little sapo, Marc Anthony and Jessica Alba was being a self hater by talking about her “dark” Mexican Father, and Salma was off directing tv movies…two little girls named Eva hit the ground running. I have to say that I was really proud of all the fierce Latinas getting exposure. I mean, come on, Elizabeth Peña can’t be the only woman representing our Latinaness forever! I decided to check out the action.

I finally relented and watched the abomination that is Hitch featuring Eva Mendes. Oh Eva, you look so cute in your Cover Girl commercials. And when you don’t speak, you pull off that mysterious latin thing so well. But then you open your mouth girl, and DAMN. SAG called and they want their equity card back, cause mija you can't act. I wonder how long it’s going to take for the heads of studios in town to figure out that while Latinos love to represent, we also recognize when one of our own has started to believe their own hype. Look at what happened to Timmy T. ¿Pues que mas quieres?

Eva Longoria on the other hand has risen from the ranks of Young and the Restless slutdom, to primetime Desperate Housewives slutdom. And while I read all the books about the Latin Spitfire too when I was in college, I have to say that Eva is doing Rita Hayworth proud, so I ain’t hatin’. Also, much love to ya, Eva, for handling the whole “we hate Latinos unless they are Jimmy Smits cause he’s only half so it’s ok” award snubs. Your time will come. Just stop dating famous people, for the love of God. Did you learn nothing from J.Lo?

So I feel like we have been presented with the two actresses, one slot conundrum. I have my popcorn with tapatio and my Fresca ready. I'm sitting on my couch and I'm waiting for the fur to fly.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

She Lives!

After much speculation that Marc Anthony had stolen her eggs and dumped the body, we find that J.Lo is, in fact, still alive! Having undergone Botox treatment while locked away in her Rapunzel castle in Puerto Rico, I have to say that she bares a strangely familiar resemblance to Dayanara. Hmmmm.

Photo Courtesy of Pinkisthenewblog.

Palabra De La Semana: GELAT

Gelat: Expression referencing people of Latin American ancestry residing in the United States. From the English Gelatinous :Resembling gelatin; viscous. Of, relating to, or containing gelatin, Gelat serves as a cross cultural referential noun for the one thing that all Latinos have in common - their love of hair gel, dippity-do, or similar hardening hair products. Those that can rock the baby hair, pull that trensa so tight that they look chinita, or roll in a convertible without messing the stilo are particularly archetypical Gelats.

Synonyms: Hispanic (imposed by The Man) or Latino (fuck you to The Man).

Sentence: Hijole, Gelats across America are just as embarrassed of Jessica Alba as she is of herself. That Gelat is one self hater!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Fake Is the New Reality

bannerLaguna Beach you guilty little pleasure, you. I squint my eyes a little when I watch, because it makes it more real. When I see Morgan and Alex on a casual afternoon stroll at the beach, I feign surprise when they conveniently run into Jason and Talan running along the sand after a casual afternoon surf. When the kids go all the way to LA to bowl at Lucky Strike, I don’t wonder, “Who paid for their limo?". I just put it out of my mind and think, “Where is LC? Is she hurt that she wasn’t invited? Maybe she got a better invitation. Maybe she’s doing lines with Lo in her new bathroom.” When Kristen meets Stephen at Look Out Point and they have nothing to say to one another, I prefer to believe that it’s the tension of their strained relationship, rather than the fact that they have probably already had it out months ago when none of us were watching.

Why hire actors when you can get regular hotties to dish their personal dirt on national television? The kids from Laguna Beach are part of a new phenomena. Mark my words right now, fake is the new reality….and it’s so much better.

See what our friends at Gawker have to say about it HERE.