I have something really important to talk about. Zippers. The pants I’m wearing today have zippers everywhere and I think that I am having a bad reaction to said zippers. See when I touch these zippers, my hands smell like they are straight out of Terminator 2. It’s like I’m getting metal and or mercury poisoning from my esexy eski pantalones. My hands smell like metal, I taste metal. I know how the Pivs feels now. He probably had to leave “Speed the Plow” because he had zippery pants that poisoned his stout little body. I’m thinking that I might have to become Amish. Because seriously, this is not the only clothing item that does this to me. All of my hoodies, all of my jackets, all of my pants’ zippers hate me. They are making me a pariah and I don’t appreciate it one bit you little fuckers.
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