Monday, February 04, 2008

Election '08

Okay, so I'm going to be perfectly honest here. I don't know who to vote for tomorrow. I am totally confus-ted. This ultra liberal, woman of color wanted to vote for the southern white gentleman from South Carolina, John Edwards. Until bitch dropped out. I ain't gonna hate though, because his old lady is really sick yo. I mean pobrecita being like "It's okay viejo, I'm going to kick the bucket real soon, so you just keep on running for President." So for Elizabeth Edwards' sake, I'm glad John Edwards can focus on his wife and family.

I guess now, it's Hillary or Barry for me. I watched their debate last week and I thought they were going to make sweet love to one another right there on CNN. It was NOT helpful for those of us who are getting picos in our nalgas from this painful fence that we are sitting on. My mama says she hopes I do the "right thing" and vote for Hil. My political junkie bro is voting for Barry. One is an agent of change, the other wants change we can believe in. I like change. Channnnge clothes, annnnd gooooo. That's one of my favorite jams. They both are different from the monkey in the White House right now. But, I also voted for change in '92 only to get the bitch slap of the century when Bill and Al realized that you can't change the system, you gots to work the system like a high priced hoe. Like "Fancy" in that Reba McEntire song. So who's gonna put on their patten leather boots and strut for me? Hil or Barry?

A joint ticket might be the solution, but I don't know if these two A types would agree to that. I'm sure it would make every liberal in this country cream their pants a little. Or a lot. I also think that if they shared the same orbit, Michelle "Omarosa" Obama and Hillary "Boom Boom" Clinton could have weekly UFC cage matches. But while it would awesome to watch, imagine what it would cost us in health care? On the other hand, Bill and Barry would give really good commentary speeches about it afterward. I don't believe Hil when she says she doesn't play doctor with special interest groups and the fact that she is friends with Antonio Villaregosa, perhaps the worst ambassador of my people since Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez, well, it doesn't make me feel great. On the other hand, when Barry gives speeches saying "Yes We Can" I want to scream. My people invented that saying, you stealer!

But the fact that I'm nit picking about these little things can only mean good things in the end I guess. And that is this. Never in my life, having knocked on doors for Jerry Brown, Walter Mondale, Michael freaking Dukakis, or Bill Clinton have I ever felt like we had two really good choices. We do. I just wish I knew which one to pick. So instead, I think I'm gonna do this:

I think I'm going to vote for Roseanne. I know she is bat shit crazy. But I love me some Roseanne and I would not be opposed to her becoming the President because you know she will make calm decisions after 5 nice glasses of merlot. She also has a very delicious platform:

Triple teachers' and policemen's' pay and raise the bar accordingly.

Establish a union of the working poor with the Attorney General as their lawyer.

Replace Organized Religion with strict observance and enforcement of the Golden Rule during my first administration.

Foreign policy statement: "Hey, how's it going? We're your global neighbors. Here's our number if you need something."

Back our currency with yummy baked goods

Abolish the IRS

Birth control in the water supply for the the first two years of my administration.

All sewer and septic tank maintenance performed by convicted corporate criminals.

All medical testing performed on child molesters and animal abusers.

Minimum weight for supermodels: 140 lbs

A ver que pasa. I guess I'll just have see what my heart tells me tomorrow. Maybe I should have some merlot first.


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