Kiss of the Spiderwoman

At her weekend wedding, Marcia Cross used her veil spider web to trap her little mosquita flower girls. She later ate them at the reception with some creme fresh. mmmm!

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Move Along Guppy

So Star decided to get ghetto on Babawawah's ass on Tuesday and announce her departure from The View earlier than expected. She got up on her pulpit, praised Jesus, held hands with babawawah, J-Oy!, and whatshernameagain. She told us that Star don't know what the futcha holds, but she knows who holds the futcha.

Lemme tell you something, Big Gay Al holds her future by the balls and she better find her ass another job and quick because all that meth, porn, and that house on Fire Island are gonna get hell of expensive now that that View check ain't rollin' in and Mama Estrella ain't making the dough that she used to. I know she's saving money on fabric and donuts, but she's got to be spending more money on girdles and her plastic surgery bills. Dios te bendiga, Star. Well, not really you nasty bitch.

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Petal Harder Bitches.

Dear Cyclists,

Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking that your little piece of metal on two wheels is a car. Fuck you for hogging up an entire lane of traffic while all of us in AUTOmobiles sit behind your sorry ass watching you petal as we try and maneuver around you. Fuck you for making me late this morning.

Let me tell you something. If you hadn’t noticed, we live in the most car centric city in the world, Los Angeles. In the city of Los Angeles people drive to get places. That is because they have places to be. So when you decide that it’s a great idea to put on your little lycra tights and go for a “ride” on a Monday at 9am – move your ass to France bitch because I don’t have time for your shit. I’m going to make your fucking little helmet wearing pansy ass suffer. I’m going to cut you off. I’m going to get really close to you in my car. I’m going to come up right behind you and honk. I’m going to scare the shit out of you because you fucking deserve it for making my commute harder than it has to be.

(As for my gelat brethren who ride bikes, I ain’t hating on you for riding out of necessity, but I will just mention that there is this thing called the bus which has air conditioning, gets you there in half the time, and seems very comfortable and affordable. I’m just throwing that out there.)

So, all you cycling enthusiasts can suck it. You aren’t Lance Armstrong. Your little yellow bracelet doesn’t give you super powers. You’re on a fucking bike, remember that the next time you contemplate a “ride” on a weekday morning, because I’ll be aiming. For you.


Thanks,

A.ro

Click Click

I'm sorry but this man is just hot. I don't know why I think that, because he looks a little like a chango. But maybe I'm into monkeys and I don't even know it. I heart you Nick Lachey and I'm glad you divorced that pendeja Jessica. Let her sit on her daddy's lap for the rest of her life. I'll sit on yours.

MexPheever

Katharine Mcphee loves the people and we love you! Latinos officially have the McPheever. (Seriously, you see how sweaty these little mocosos look? I know, I'm just jealous.)

photographed at the JC Penney Jam for Kids
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Days of Thunder

$cientology has officially made it's play for world domination. In an attempt to infiltrate the heartland, L. Ron's peeps have joined the NASCAR family. I wonder what Jesus' e-meter reading is after a few beers.

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Nuh Uh

Marc Anthony denies the Ying Yang Twins a little taste of Lola. Then Pocahontas wraps herself in a small pox infected J.Lo love blanket. Watche.

I Love U So Much, I Want to Hurt U.

Marc Anthony took out this full page ad in Variety today to honor his bride, Jennifer Lopez, on her Crystal Award for sparing the American public from another tragic turn at romantic comedy in the year 2006. Yeah Marc. We get it. We know. She's allllll yours. No one elses. We know that you strangle "Lola" (wtf?) a little each night just to test her and remind her that she can never ever leave you. Because if she tries, you just might have to kill her and she will totally, totally deserve it.

Never leave you. Ever. Ever.

Ever.

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Resuscitating Mi ALMA

So yesterday the ALMA awards returned to television after a long absence. Didn't notice they were gone? Yeah, me neither. Eva Longoria used her leverage as ABC's resident saucy Latina to single handedly get the show back on the air and served as its producer and host. ABC generously gave her a budget of $5 ($4.50 of which she spent on her wardrobe) and let her have a go at it.

All in all, it was a pretty dull endeavor. They couldn't even fill the balcony seats at the Shrine so they only shot at weird downward facing angles. White people like Jessica Simpson, Big and Rich, and Felicity Huffman came to show their support. Black people like The Ying Yang Twins and Brian McKnight also came to show the love and pimp their Spanish language singles. The Asians hate us I guess, cause they weren't there.

There were plenty of awkward moments (most of which involved the woman formerly known as Selena), like watching Eva Longoria have to do the whole show while J.Lo stared daggers into her boobs willing them to deflate. The Ying Yang twins tried to get J.Lo to come on stage and dance with them, but she clung on to the sapo for dear life.
The Sapo got a lifetime achievement award for being ugly and he cried when some randoms butchered his songs. Andy Garcia got an award for being Cuban. Alexis Bledel and America Ferrera were denied because they shared traveling pants with white girls. Paulina Rubio was a hoe. Carlos "Ned the joke thief" Mencia continued to pretend that he is Mexican even though it's a big mentira! George Lopez refrained from kicking his ass. The NCLR lady wore a really unfortunate outfit. Gloria and Emilio Estefan reminded us all who's in charge. (I fucking hate them both)

A good time was had by all. Here's hoping next year has some more drama and a bigger budget so I don't have to Tivo through that shit in 30 minutes and hate myself for not showing the love.

Muscles...if you're nasty

Daymn. What kind of pills is Miss Janet taking that makes you thin AND gives you muscles? I NEED TO KNOW. Because I've been taking some herbal african crap that Nicole Ritchie recommended and it ain't doing shit. I wanna be ripped!

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