Friday, March 14, 2008

I know huhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Sometimes in your life you are lucky enough to encounter a fierce ass chola who rocks your world. The plant is changing gente, changing big time righ' now. Why? Because a fucking chicana veterana of alllllll veteranas has invaded the place where they make wonder bread and ginger bread houses for the people of middle america. American Idol. I was pissed when they kicked off Danny Noriega cause he was a fierce little bitch with puro attitude. I loved him for his swaga' I loved him for his swing. But mainly I loved his pimp chola of a moms. Evidence of her power has surfaced from her myspace. Here are some pictures with her own captions. I couldn't have said it more betters myself. I dedicate this song to you....

chongalicious definition
arch my eyebrows high
they always staring at my booty and my panty line
you could see me
you could read me
cause my name is on my earrings
girls got reasons why they hate me
cause they boyfriends wanna date me

i'm chongalicious

y punto.

TEXT:
"I LOVE MY FAMILY VERY MUCH...I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'M LIKE A MOTHER LION...YOU FUCK WITH MY CUBS AND I'LL KILL YOU AND EAT YOU...IT'S THAT SIMPLE...THOSE THAT KNOW ME, KNOW THAT I COULD BE THERE WORST NIGHTMARE WHEN IT COMES TO MY KIDS...AS I MENTIONED BEFORE...THEY ARE MY WORLD...NEED I SAY MORE..."

1984...MY FIRST BORN @ 2 WEEKS OLD...HE'S 23 NOW...SHIT I'M OLD
~1984~
ME IN 1982...WHEN I WAS A SKINNY BITCH

SAD SAD GIRL...LOL!


JUST FOR THE RECORD...I'M NOT A WHITE GIRL...I'M 100% CHICANA

I'M WATCHING YOU!

GRRR!!!!! THIS LION WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOU...LOL!

DON'T FUCK WITH ME BITCH!

SEE HOW CALM I AM AFTER A FEW ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES

FEELIN IT...MAIN EVENT IN EL MONTE
source

Monday, February 04, 2008

Election '08


Okay, so I'm going to be perfectly honest here. I don't know who to vote for tomorrow. I am totally confus-ted. This ultra liberal, woman of color wanted to vote for the southern white gentleman from South Carolina, John Edwards. Until bitch dropped out. I ain't gonna hate though, because his old lady is really sick yo. I mean pobrecita being like "It's okay viejo, I'm going to kick the bucket real soon, so you just keep on running for President." So for Elizabeth Edwards' sake, I'm glad John Edwards can focus on his wife and family.

I guess now, it's Hillary or Barry for me. I watched their debate last week and I thought they were going to make sweet love to one another right there on CNN. It was NOT helpful for those of us who are getting picos in our nalgas from this painful fence that we are sitting on. My mama says she hopes I do the "right thing" and vote for Hil. My political junkie bro is voting for Barry. One is an agent of change, the other wants change we can believe in. I like change. Channnnge clothes, annnnd gooooo. That's one of my favorite jams. They both are different from the monkey in the White House right now. But, I also voted for change in '92 only to get the bitch slap of the century when Bill and Al realized that you can't change the system, you gots to work the system like a high priced hoe. Like "Fancy" in that Reba McEntire song. So who's gonna put on their patten leather boots and strut for me? Hil or Barry?

A joint ticket might be the solution, but I don't know if these two A types would agree to that. I'm sure it would make every liberal in this country cream their pants a little. Or a lot. I also think that if they shared the same orbit, Michelle "Omarosa" Obama and Hillary "Boom Boom" Clinton could have weekly UFC cage matches. But while it would awesome to watch, imagine what it would cost us in health care? On the other hand, Bill and Barry would give really good commentary speeches about it afterward. I don't believe Hil when she says she doesn't play doctor with special interest groups and the fact that she is friends with Antonio Villaregosa, perhaps the worst ambassador of my people since Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez, well, it doesn't make me feel great. On the other hand, when Barry gives speeches saying "Yes We Can" I want to scream. My people invented that saying, you stealer!

But the fact that I'm nit picking about these little things can only mean good things in the end I guess. And that is this. Never in my life, having knocked on doors for Jerry Brown, Walter Mondale, Michael freaking Dukakis, or Bill Clinton have I ever felt like we had two really good choices. We do. I just wish I knew which one to pick. So instead, I think I'm gonna do this:

I think I'm going to vote for Roseanne. I know she is bat shit crazy. But I love me some Roseanne and I would not be opposed to her becoming the President because you know she will make calm decisions after 5 nice glasses of merlot. She also has a very delicious platform:

Triple teachers' and policemen's' pay and raise the bar accordingly.

Establish a union of the working poor with the Attorney General as their lawyer.

Replace Organized Religion with strict observance and enforcement of the Golden Rule during my first administration.

Foreign policy statement: "Hey, how's it going? We're your global neighbors. Here's our number if you need something."

Back our currency with yummy baked goods

Abolish the IRS

Birth control in the water supply for the the first two years of my administration.

All sewer and septic tank maintenance performed by convicted corporate criminals.

All medical testing performed on child molesters and animal abusers.

Minimum weight for supermodels: 140 lbs


A ver que pasa. I guess I'll just have see what my heart tells me tomorrow. Maybe I should have some merlot first.

source

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Much Better


Dear Katherine Heigl,

Thanks for listening to me and fixing your teeth. I knew some how that the baby Jesus would get my message to you. I watched Oprah and even I could see the delight on her face when she realized she didn't have to sit so close to your snaggle teeth anymore. I thank you, Oprah thanks you, and I'm sure Dr. Droffman's children thank you for contributing to their college fund. That is all.

Gracias,
a.ro

Friday, February 01, 2008

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Tick-Ed


Every morning when I'm getting ready for work, deep in to the middle of my hair styling process, I inevitably have to pause to change the channel on my TV because I hear IT. The amazon sounding, high pitched wail of that fucking bitch from Wicked.

The voice over tells us that great tickets are FINALLY available, for the #1 musical in Los Angeles history, an extended run, don't miss the magic, see what happened before Dorthy dropped her ass into Oz. WICKED! THE MUSICAL! Then I hear it. I can't find the remote! Fuck fuck fuck! Hurry, I can't hear it! Nononononono. Make it stop. Must change channel. Pronto! "Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh-ahhhhhhh!" Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. Worst than knowing that Regis & Kelly are coming on in 2 minutes and I'm fucking late to work again, it's the shrill howl of Elphaba. That green bitch from Wicked.

You know what Ephebia, I know shit sucks because you are green. I know that your roommate Galenda is "Pop-Ular" and you are pissed because she is a selfish LA hoe, who in another incarnation was probably in the slutty sorority at USC. There are muchkins running all over the place. I know your paralyzed little sister gets more game than you and your only friends are flying monkeys. All of these things are super frustrating. But you know what? I am fucking sick and tired of hearing your sorry ass howl every morning when I get ready for work, on my morning drive, on my IM advertisements. Get the fuck over it. No one cares. Go wail in Schenectay you dumb bitch. I'm over you.

Monday, January 21, 2008

27 Dentists


Dear Katherine Heigl,

Congratulations on the big movie career, really. Props to you. I watched your movie yesterday. It was fun. Thanks for that. Just one question. CAN YOU PLEASE FIX YOUR FUCKING TEETH?! I mean that snaggle tooth. I was scared that if they had shown that movie in IMAX, the tooth was going to come out and stab me in the eye. I like both my eyes, they help me see. I don't want to have to wear a patch, even if it had Swarovski crystals on it in the shape of a skull.

When you are on Gray's, the snaggle tooth and the two middle teeth leaning inward don't bother me so much. I have a 19 inch TV circa 1992. But when I see your snaggle tooth and the two middle teeth leaning inward on the big screen, I get scared. And correct me if I'm wrong, but 27 Dresses is a romcom not a horror movie. I b scrrred o u teef.

This movie might propel you into feature film stardom. But when all I can see are your and James Marsden's teeth fighting for screen time, well it's a little distracting. He's getting a letter too. Kiki Dunst didn't respond to my pie charts and powerpoint presentation I sent to her publicist. I just hope that you will read this and take heed.

Your snaggle tooth and the two middle teeth leaning inward are your friends. I know they have been with you for a while, but you got lots of money now, yo. Sometimes you got to let shit go. Hillary Duff said good-bye to her baby teefs and hello and subsiquent quick bu-bye to her horsey teefs, Miley Cyrus said bye bye gummy smile. They are tween babies, you are a womanz. Go see Dr. Dorfman. Por favor!

kthanks.
a.ro

Friday, January 04, 2008

Resolve: Postivity in ‘08

I silently resolved to be more positive in ’08. If you know me, you know that is like me willing myself to grow a third eye in the middle of my heed. That is why I made a SILENT resolution.

Experiment Positivity ‘08 lasted 3 days, 7 hours and 10 minutes.

Oh, I made it through the 23 minute prayer at Christmas. Stay positive, it’s the holidays.
I made it through the trip to the new Walmart and all of it’s Chinese made evils.
I made it through the asshole who almost drove my brother off the road on the way home because he had a death wish and I almost ran him off the road in retaliation.
I made it through the flight to New York next to the Gelats from Southgate who decided it would be a great idea to talk and eat pumpkin seeds through the duration of the red eye to New York because they were “Going to see the ball drop in Times Square for New Years and try to get on TV with Ryan Seacrest.”
I made it through the 2 for 1 sale at Shoemania and actually purchased a pair of shoes.
I made it back on the flight from NY without getting SARS from the crazy woman sitting next to me who never covered her mouth when she coughed.
I even made it back to work in a pretty damn fucking good mood yesterday and stayed positive until I had to come back today and wonder why I didn’t save myself the misery of it all and stay home watching the “My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding” marathon on TV.

Postitivity ‘08 is over because I’m currently wasting my fucking life away at work listening to idiots talk about the Iowa Caucus and wanting to shoot myself. I want to shoot myself because people who are dumber than me are circling my orbit espousing about politics, while people smarter than me were wise enough to realize they would be assholes if they came to work and sat here playing Scrabulous on Facebook for 6 hours and kicking themselves for not bringing an ipod to drown out the din of ignorance that permeates my workspace like white noise. Why can’t we stop pretending that you people are informed and talk about Britney? Why can’t we talk about Project Runway? Why can’t I leave and go see the 5pm screening of National Treasure?!?!

I want to go home. That’s the only thing I am fucking positive about today.