Monday, December 13, 2004
Funny or Mortifiying
When my mom made my family hold hands and say grace at Locanda Veneta while Ben Stiller sat one table away. Sigh.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Tivo Time
It's fall and that means time for new shows and the return of old favorites. We are talking scripted television here, none of this reality nonsense. I have found that in the vast expanse of cheap thrills that we wade through in the perpetual remote flip, there are gems to be found my friends.
It is a treacherous journey that these little shows travel with sharks that we call programming executives. Those that cannibalize their own product after 3 episodes because they think that we would rather watch reruns of Amish in the City instead of something original and fresh.
Today, I am begging you to take back tv. Let’s watch television, smart television that requires thought, creativity, and speaks to our intelligence. Can’t tv be good for you? Yes it can. So in the spirit of saving quality television, here are a list of great shows you should check out this fall.
Must See New Programming
Jack & Bobby (The WB) Sundays @ 9pm
Desperate Housewives (ABC) Sundays @ 9pm
Veronica Mars (UPN) Tuesdays @ 9pm
Current Programming Not To Miss
The Gilmore Girls (WB) Tuesdays @ 8pm
Dead Like Me (Showtime) Sundays @9pm
Arrested Development (FOX) Sundays @8:30pm
Notice how all the good shows are in the same timeslot on Sunday evenings. Conspiracy, I know. Tivo your way to freedom. Make it happen and tell your friends. There are some winners out there among the Hope & Faith’s, Reba’s, and Commando Nanny’s.
I will take a moment and put a special plug in for a lovely show that is already being hard hit by the ratings. Jack & Bobby is the story of our future President and his road to the White House.
This clever and heartfelt series touches on the relationships between mothers, sons, and brothers. It is well written, thought provoking and worth another look. So give it a look and let the The WB know that they weren’t wrong in picking it up and giving it a shot. This is your chance to save quality television.
It is a treacherous journey that these little shows travel with sharks that we call programming executives. Those that cannibalize their own product after 3 episodes because they think that we would rather watch reruns of Amish in the City instead of something original and fresh.
Today, I am begging you to take back tv. Let’s watch television, smart television that requires thought, creativity, and speaks to our intelligence. Can’t tv be good for you? Yes it can. So in the spirit of saving quality television, here are a list of great shows you should check out this fall.
Must See New Programming
Jack & Bobby (The WB) Sundays @ 9pm
Desperate Housewives (ABC) Sundays @ 9pm
Veronica Mars (UPN) Tuesdays @ 9pm
Current Programming Not To Miss
The Gilmore Girls (WB) Tuesdays @ 8pm
Dead Like Me (Showtime) Sundays @9pm
Arrested Development (FOX) Sundays @8:30pm
Notice how all the good shows are in the same timeslot on Sunday evenings. Conspiracy, I know. Tivo your way to freedom. Make it happen and tell your friends. There are some winners out there among the Hope & Faith’s, Reba’s, and Commando Nanny’s.
I will take a moment and put a special plug in for a lovely show that is already being hard hit by the ratings. Jack & Bobby is the story of our future President and his road to the White House.
This clever and heartfelt series touches on the relationships between mothers, sons, and brothers. It is well written, thought provoking and worth another look. So give it a look and let the The WB know that they weren’t wrong in picking it up and giving it a shot. This is your chance to save quality television.
Friday, September 03, 2004
The 5th Annual Ghetto Grammys
The 5th Annual Latin Grammys were on the other night. And in the tradition of my people, bad fashion choices and embarrassing comments abound. It was just like a painful family wedding but with open bar and on national television. But, as usual, it proved to be a fascinating anthropological experiment on “The Lats” and the people who love them. Those people being Budweiser and Wal Mart.
The Fabric Of Our Lives
Let’s take a moment and ask ourselves, Latino’s “Why are we so fashion challenged?” Ladies, spandex and sparkles aren’t a good thing, have never been a good thing, and will never be a good thing. Especially if you are someone’s tia and over the age of fifty. Alejandra Guzman I am talking to you. Seriously, what is up with the budget clothing choices? We have our own Grammy Awards and we have to fuck it up with shit like this? Just because your unemployed gay cousin Memo needs work doesn’t mean that you make him your stylist because you know that dress fell off a truck.
As for the vatos, Los Lonely Boys have crossed over but their hair is stuck in the 80’s. Guys, no one likes dudes with spit ends and puberty mustaches (particularly when you are 30 and not 12). Get some help, and don’t get it from Carlos Santana cause he has is own guru issues going on with those little pill box hats. Hijole brother, you need to put the pipe down.
Show Us Again How Ignorant You Are, Say It In The Microphone
So the Black Eyed Peas get on stage to tell us that we should all vote and make a difference. Then the idiots say “Hey, and maybe one day we can have a cool president who is Mex-ican just like me!” What? Are you seriously saying this right now after you just empowered us to go out and vote? You ruined it. Ruined it. No wonder Bush wants to close borders and enslave us all. Pendejos!
Watch Out Angelina, Latinos Have Their Own Ambassadors
Oh Lindsay Lohan, how we love you so. I’ve seen all of your breasts’..um..I mean…best movies and now you are an ambassador to all things Latino because you are dating child molester, Wilmer Valdarama. It brings a tear to my eye when I hear you say “Bweynos Nachos” on national television. I always knew you loved my people and now that you are boning Wilmer, we know just how much. Say it sister!
Then Jessica Simpson and little hippy Amber Tamblyn paraded out to show just how much they love our people because we brought them Baja Fresh. I hear Jessica loves their Naked Burrito. Ole!
All in all, this year’s Latin Grammys were a big yawn. George Lopez had some moments, but that wears thin after two hours of bad clothing and cringe worthy speeches. And to top it all off, Southwest Airlines was the carrier for the show. Can you imagine Shakira and Soraya fighting over seats and peanuts? Oh Latinos, when will we ever learn.
The Fabric Of Our Lives
Let’s take a moment and ask ourselves, Latino’s “Why are we so fashion challenged?” Ladies, spandex and sparkles aren’t a good thing, have never been a good thing, and will never be a good thing. Especially if you are someone’s tia and over the age of fifty. Alejandra Guzman I am talking to you. Seriously, what is up with the budget clothing choices? We have our own Grammy Awards and we have to fuck it up with shit like this? Just because your unemployed gay cousin Memo needs work doesn’t mean that you make him your stylist because you know that dress fell off a truck.
As for the vatos, Los Lonely Boys have crossed over but their hair is stuck in the 80’s. Guys, no one likes dudes with spit ends and puberty mustaches (particularly when you are 30 and not 12). Get some help, and don’t get it from Carlos Santana cause he has is own guru issues going on with those little pill box hats. Hijole brother, you need to put the pipe down.
Show Us Again How Ignorant You Are, Say It In The Microphone
So the Black Eyed Peas get on stage to tell us that we should all vote and make a difference. Then the idiots say “Hey, and maybe one day we can have a cool president who is Mex-ican just like me!” What? Are you seriously saying this right now after you just empowered us to go out and vote? You ruined it. Ruined it. No wonder Bush wants to close borders and enslave us all. Pendejos!
Watch Out Angelina, Latinos Have Their Own Ambassadors
Oh Lindsay Lohan, how we love you so. I’ve seen all of your breasts’..um..I mean…best movies and now you are an ambassador to all things Latino because you are dating child molester, Wilmer Valdarama. It brings a tear to my eye when I hear you say “Bweynos Nachos” on national television. I always knew you loved my people and now that you are boning Wilmer, we know just how much. Say it sister!
Then Jessica Simpson and little hippy Amber Tamblyn paraded out to show just how much they love our people because we brought them Baja Fresh. I hear Jessica loves their Naked Burrito. Ole!
All in all, this year’s Latin Grammys were a big yawn. George Lopez had some moments, but that wears thin after two hours of bad clothing and cringe worthy speeches. And to top it all off, Southwest Airlines was the carrier for the show. Can you imagine Shakira and Soraya fighting over seats and peanuts? Oh Latinos, when will we ever learn.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
Confessions of a Classist Driver
Driving is strategy. A game. It requires forethought, planning. One must be sleuthy and exhibit copious amounts of cunning. In my race, ne, drive to work this morning, I came to a scary conclusion about myself. I am a classist driver. Oh yes, I said it. I realized as I cursed the slow driving ’85 Toyota Corolla in front of me and swerved behind a BMW 325i that I had problems, major problems. But what is it with people in old cars? I mean I drove an ’82 Accord circa 1993 and my little wreck drove fast because I willed it to. Will people. Will. You put your fucking pedal to the metal and your car will excide your expectations.
The Gap is Not Just a Store
Just because you may be insecure, because your ride isn’t as cool as the next guy’s doesn’t mean that you don’t have to pay attention to the road. I’m the asshole on your bumper willing with bionic power for you to pay some fucking attention to the gap between you and the car in front of you. There should never be gaps in the road people. Pick up the fucking slack. If there is more than 2 car lengths between you and the car in front of you were is a problem, especially if this travisty is occurring during rush hour traffic. I just don’t understand it. How can you not pay attention? Do you not feel me breathing down your neck so that you will hurry the fuck up? When someone does it to me, I get stressed. Why are you so oblivious?
Mini Vans Are the Devil's Handy Work
The Astro Minivan. Evil incarnate. I think that when they sell you this car, Chevy fails to tell you that it doesn’t go above 5 miles an hour. Or maybe slow people are the only ones that think “Damn, I’m gonna look hot in this puppy” when they drive it off the show room floor. In any case, why is it that people in Astro Minivans are so damn clueless? Man oh man, if I’m ever stuck behind a slow moving automobile, chances are 9 out of 10, that it’s a freaking Astro Minivan with the bumper hanging off and a wire hanger for an antenna. Why can’t we just past legislation to get them off the road? Can we take away the licenses of the drivers who own them as well, to put the rest of us at ease? I know I would sleep better if there were one less Minivan on the road.
The Stuffed Animal Factor
I think my drive this morning summed up my feelings as a whole about negligent drivers. I once thought that they were just random people who roamed the earth in a fog. But now I know better. They are a type, a kind of people, a breed, a tribe. In a word, losers. They have but one little ping pong ball bouncing around in their little heeds, and that is to much for them. They are simple people, with simple thoughts like “Boy, oh boy. Wouldn’t it be so cute if I put a little stuffed animal in the back of my rear seat so that the person behind me could enjoy its cuteness too?” Well you know what? I don’t give a fuck about your distracting little animal. In fact, it’s stupid and all it does is serve to indicate that you are someone who isn’t paying attention to the road and you are too busy trying to see if I notice your little fucking stuffed animal in the back of your car. All it makes me do is think, “Dammit, another idiot with the stuffed animal, now I have to change lanes because this mother fucker isn’t going to get off their ass as soon as the light changes.” For the love of God, give it a rest. Don’t be cute, be smart. Better yourself and lose the plush.
In a recent trip to Canada, my driver pointed out to me a big sticker on the back of the car in front of us with an “N” on it. “You know what that means?” he asked me. “It means that that person is a new driver. They have to have that sticker on there for a year before they can take it off.” All I could think is that while I may think that Canadians have the most annoying accent on the planet, they sure are smarter than we are. I think a Scarlett Letter “S” for Stupid Driver would serve to open our roadways and our minds to defensive driving. Then I would know and not have to look for Astro Minivans with little stuffed animals in the back window and curse my life.
The Gap is Not Just a Store
Just because you may be insecure, because your ride isn’t as cool as the next guy’s doesn’t mean that you don’t have to pay attention to the road. I’m the asshole on your bumper willing with bionic power for you to pay some fucking attention to the gap between you and the car in front of you. There should never be gaps in the road people. Pick up the fucking slack. If there is more than 2 car lengths between you and the car in front of you were is a problem, especially if this travisty is occurring during rush hour traffic. I just don’t understand it. How can you not pay attention? Do you not feel me breathing down your neck so that you will hurry the fuck up? When someone does it to me, I get stressed. Why are you so oblivious?
Mini Vans Are the Devil's Handy Work
The Astro Minivan. Evil incarnate. I think that when they sell you this car, Chevy fails to tell you that it doesn’t go above 5 miles an hour. Or maybe slow people are the only ones that think “Damn, I’m gonna look hot in this puppy” when they drive it off the show room floor. In any case, why is it that people in Astro Minivans are so damn clueless? Man oh man, if I’m ever stuck behind a slow moving automobile, chances are 9 out of 10, that it’s a freaking Astro Minivan with the bumper hanging off and a wire hanger for an antenna. Why can’t we just past legislation to get them off the road? Can we take away the licenses of the drivers who own them as well, to put the rest of us at ease? I know I would sleep better if there were one less Minivan on the road.
The Stuffed Animal Factor
I think my drive this morning summed up my feelings as a whole about negligent drivers. I once thought that they were just random people who roamed the earth in a fog. But now I know better. They are a type, a kind of people, a breed, a tribe. In a word, losers. They have but one little ping pong ball bouncing around in their little heeds, and that is to much for them. They are simple people, with simple thoughts like “Boy, oh boy. Wouldn’t it be so cute if I put a little stuffed animal in the back of my rear seat so that the person behind me could enjoy its cuteness too?” Well you know what? I don’t give a fuck about your distracting little animal. In fact, it’s stupid and all it does is serve to indicate that you are someone who isn’t paying attention to the road and you are too busy trying to see if I notice your little fucking stuffed animal in the back of your car. All it makes me do is think, “Dammit, another idiot with the stuffed animal, now I have to change lanes because this mother fucker isn’t going to get off their ass as soon as the light changes.” For the love of God, give it a rest. Don’t be cute, be smart. Better yourself and lose the plush.
In a recent trip to Canada, my driver pointed out to me a big sticker on the back of the car in front of us with an “N” on it. “You know what that means?” he asked me. “It means that that person is a new driver. They have to have that sticker on there for a year before they can take it off.” All I could think is that while I may think that Canadians have the most annoying accent on the planet, they sure are smarter than we are. I think a Scarlett Letter “S” for Stupid Driver would serve to open our roadways and our minds to defensive driving. Then I would know and not have to look for Astro Minivans with little stuffed animals in the back window and curse my life.
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