House of Crackheads

So last night, I watched the premiere of HOUSE OF CARTERS. I have to say that it was the most anticipated new show of the season for me because I've read every tragic detail of the break up of this family. Cheating father, lying mother, missing money, 19 year old hoe that daddy is fucking. I mean it doesn't get much better than that. Unless you televise it.....

I really don't know how I endured the hour of screaming and yelling. But having survived it, all I can really say is - wow, this family is fucked up! I mean, all our families have their degree of fuckedupness, but I think the Carters take the cake.

First, there is unfortunately named sister Bobby Jean (aka BJ). When your two options in life are to be called BJ or Bobby Jean, you kind of know that things aren't gonna go to well for you. BJ is the ugly sister. She has bad hair and bad skin and she makes it worse by smoking. She wants to be a cooking show host, which is ironic considering that the rest of the family hates her food. BJ is all about her low self-esteem, her big boobs and the bottle. BJ finds love with her bff alchy-haul, until people fuck up her buzz then she gets mean and kicks her dogs. Poor BJ, they should have left her in the trailer park in Sarasota. Her name is her fate and her fate is to pass the days on a lawn chair drinking and smoking her life away in front of the trailer park.

Aaron Carter is totally a meth addict. He's got the acne and the scabby face. He tweaks, I mean works, in the studio at ungodly hours and I think that he is abused by his big brother Aaron. He's like a lame puppy one moment and then he gets all crazy, invincible in the next. Pobrecito. I wonder if he used to freebase with Lohan or Duff. I would have paid money to see that.

Angel and Leslie want to be a model and a singer, respectively (or irrespectively). Angel looks like one of those girls who rocks the barbazon modeling classes at the mall. Leslie feels guilty for being the last one to leave their crackhead, thief of a mother back in Florida to peruse her dreams.

The entire house is headed up by Nick, who has taken on roll as segregate father to the brood because apparently, before this, they didn't even talk to one another nor did they know that they were all in the same city working on their "art". Nick is going to make all their dreams come true, just like Lew Pearlman did for him. During this time, he will whip them into shape by fighting with them, biting them (I'm serious), telling them that their mother used them all, and touching them in inappropriate places...okay, well maybe not that, but you get the point.

All in all, House of Carters is a sad look into the lives of people whose lives fall apart when a bad cocktail of white trash, stage parents, talented kids, and sudden cash flow mix together in the state of Florida to give you this.

Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's sad. Yes, you can see them all 20 years from now being totally fucked up and destitute. But for now, they are living in a house in Beverly Hills, screaming at each other and spending their money like it grew on trees. I can watch that for thirteen episodes and not let it weigh on my conscience.