So yesterday the ALMA awards returned to television after a long absence. Didn't notice they were gone? Yeah, me neither. Eva Longoria used her leverage as ABC's resident saucy Latina to single handedly get the show back on the air and served as its producer and host. ABC generously gave her a budget of $5 ($4.50 of which she spent on her wardrobe) and let her have a go at it.
All in all, it was a pretty dull endeavor. They couldn't even fill the balcony seats at the Shrine so they only shot at weird downward facing angles. White people like Jessica Simpson, Big and Rich, and Felicity Huffman came to show their support. Black people like The Ying Yang Twins and Brian McKnight also came to show the love and pimp their Spanish language singles. The Asians hate us I guess, cause they weren't there.
There were plenty of awkward moments (most of which involved the woman formerly known as Selena), like watching Eva Longoria have to do the whole show while J.Lo stared daggers into her boobs willing them to deflate. The Ying Yang twins tried to get J.Lo to come on stage and dance with them, but she clung on to the sapo for dear life.
The Sapo got a lifetime achievement award for being ugly and he cried when some randoms butchered his songs. Andy Garcia got an award for being Cuban. Alexis Bledel and America Ferrera were denied because they shared traveling pants with white girls. Paulina Rubio was a hoe. Carlos "Ned the joke thief" Mencia continued to pretend that he is Mexican even though it's a big mentira! George Lopez refrained from kicking his ass. The NCLR lady wore a really unfortunate outfit. Gloria and Emilio Estefan reminded us all who's in charge. (I fucking hate them both)A good time was had by all. Here's hoping next year has some more drama and a bigger budget so I don't have to Tivo through that shit in 30 minutes and hate myself for not showing the love.
No comments:
Post a Comment