D is for Dumbass

Dear Denise Richards,

I want my sympathy back. I should have known. All the Denise's that I've ever known in my life (including one's played by Lisa Bonnet aka Lilakoi Moon) have been dirty hoes. You are no exception.

I spent all day Sunday feeling sorry for your whorey ass. I read your affidavit on the Smoking Gun. I worried for you and hoped that you were getting help for your battered woman's syndrome. I thought, man if Carlos Estevez can change his name to Charlie Sheen and pretend he was white, who knows what he could be capable of...right? I mean, he called you a dick face. He said he hoped you got cancer in your face! He slept with prostitutes in Encino. He showed you Nicole Simpson autopsy photos. He gambled away your Wild Things money. This man fucked with your shit.

I wondered how you and Lola and Sam were dealing with the crisis. If they knew that their daddy was a coke loving, pill popping, gambling, sex addict and how that went over at the playground. I thought, it must be so lonely for you now that you can't go to set and play "Is Jon Cryer gay or straight?" What's left, you know?

But then...but then....

You go traipsing around town with your best friend's husband. You tell the world, without saying it, that you were the "other woman".

You fucked it all up. You could have been Jennifer Aniston, yo. What's your problem? You just threw away a big settlement. Think of the syndication money. You could have been on the cover of Vanity Fair! Ok, well maybe Redbook, but beggars can't be choosers. Mensa! You blew it.