The 5th Annual Ghetto Grammys

The 5th Annual Latin Grammys were on the other night. And in the tradition of my people, bad fashion choices and embarrassing comments abound. It was just like a painful family wedding but with open bar and on national television. But, as usual, it proved to be a fascinating anthropological experiment on “The Lats” and the people who love them. Those people being Budweiser and Wal Mart.

The Fabric Of Our Lives
Let’s take a moment and ask ourselves, Latino’s “Why are we so fashion challenged?” Ladies, spandex and sparkles aren’t a good thing, have never been a good thing, and will never be a good thing. Especially if you are someone’s tia and over the age of fifty. Alejandra Guzman I am talking to you. Seriously, what is up with the budget clothing choices? We have our own Grammy Awards and we have to fuck it up with shit like this? Just because your unemployed gay cousin Memo needs work doesn’t mean that you make him your stylist because you know that dress fell off a truck.

As for the vatos, Los Lonely Boys have crossed over but their hair is stuck in the 80’s. Guys, no one likes dudes with spit ends and puberty mustaches (particularly when you are 30 and not 12). Get some help, and don’t get it from Carlos Santana cause he has is own guru issues going on with those little pill box hats. Hijole brother, you need to put the pipe down.

Show Us Again How Ignorant You Are, Say It In The Microphone
So the Black Eyed Peas get on stage to tell us that we should all vote and make a difference. Then the idiots say “Hey, and maybe one day we can have a cool president who is Mex-ican just like me!” What? Are you seriously saying this right now after you just empowered us to go out and vote? You ruined it. Ruined it. No wonder Bush wants to close borders and enslave us all. Pendejos!

Watch Out Angelina, Latinos Have Their Own Ambassadors
Oh Lindsay Lohan, how we love you so. I’ve seen all of your breasts’..um..I mean…best movies and now you are an ambassador to all things Latino because you are dating child molester, Wilmer Valdarama. It brings a tear to my eye when I hear you say “Bweynos Nachos” on national television. I always knew you loved my people and now that you are boning Wilmer, we know just how much. Say it sister!

Then Jessica Simpson and little hippy Amber Tamblyn paraded out to show just how much they love our people because we brought them Baja Fresh. I hear Jessica loves their Naked Burrito. Ole!

All in all, this year’s Latin Grammys were a big yawn. George Lopez had some moments, but that wears thin after two hours of bad clothing and cringe worthy speeches. And to top it all off, Southwest Airlines was the carrier for the show. Can you imagine Shakira and Soraya fighting over seats and peanuts? Oh Latinos, when will we ever learn.