Confessions of a Classist Driver

Driving is strategy. A game. It requires forethought, planning. One must be sleuthy and exhibit copious amounts of cunning. In my race, ne, drive to work this morning, I came to a scary conclusion about myself. I am a classist driver. Oh yes, I said it. I realized as I cursed the slow driving ’85 Toyota Corolla in front of me and swerved behind a BMW 325i that I had problems, major problems. But what is it with people in old cars? I mean I drove an ’82 Accord circa 1993 and my little wreck drove fast because I willed it to. Will people. Will. You put your fucking pedal to the metal and your car will excide your expectations.

The Gap is Not Just a Store
Just because you may be insecure, because your ride isn’t as cool as the next guy’s doesn’t mean that you don’t have to pay attention to the road. I’m the asshole on your bumper willing with bionic power for you to pay some fucking attention to the gap between you and the car in front of you. There should never be gaps in the road people. Pick up the fucking slack. If there is more than 2 car lengths between you and the car in front of you were is a problem, especially if this travisty is occurring during rush hour traffic. I just don’t understand it. How can you not pay attention? Do you not feel me breathing down your neck so that you will hurry the fuck up? When someone does it to me, I get stressed. Why are you so oblivious?

Mini Vans Are the Devil's Handy Work
The Astro Minivan. Evil incarnate. I think that when they sell you this car, Chevy fails to tell you that it doesn’t go above 5 miles an hour. Or maybe slow people are the only ones that think “Damn, I’m gonna look hot in this puppy” when they drive it off the show room floor. In any case, why is it that people in Astro Minivans are so damn clueless? Man oh man, if I’m ever stuck behind a slow moving automobile, chances are 9 out of 10, that it’s a freaking Astro Minivan with the bumper hanging off and a wire hanger for an antenna. Why can’t we just past legislation to get them off the road? Can we take away the licenses of the drivers who own them as well, to put the rest of us at ease? I know I would sleep better if there were one less Minivan on the road.

The Stuffed Animal Factor
I think my drive this morning summed up my feelings as a whole about negligent drivers. I once thought that they were just random people who roamed the earth in a fog. But now I know better. They are a type, a kind of people, a breed, a tribe. In a word, losers. They have but one little ping pong ball bouncing around in their little heeds, and that is to much for them. They are simple people, with simple thoughts like “Boy, oh boy. Wouldn’t it be so cute if I put a little stuffed animal in the back of my rear seat so that the person behind me could enjoy its cuteness too?” Well you know what? I don’t give a fuck about your distracting little animal. In fact, it’s stupid and all it does is serve to indicate that you are someone who isn’t paying attention to the road and you are too busy trying to see if I notice your little fucking stuffed animal in the back of your car. All it makes me do is think, “Dammit, another idiot with the stuffed animal, now I have to change lanes because this mother fucker isn’t going to get off their ass as soon as the light changes.” For the love of God, give it a rest. Don’t be cute, be smart. Better yourself and lose the plush.

In a recent trip to Canada, my driver pointed out to me a big sticker on the back of the car in front of us with an “N” on it. “You know what that means?” he asked me. “It means that that person is a new driver. They have to have that sticker on there for a year before they can take it off.” All I could think is that while I may think that Canadians have the most annoying accent on the planet, they sure are smarter than we are. I think a Scarlett Letter “S” for Stupid Driver would serve to open our roadways and our minds to defensive driving. Then I would know and not have to look for Astro Minivans with little stuffed animals in the back window and curse my life.